This morning when I woke up I was inexplicably somehow... ready. I hit the ground running, ran from one thing to the next, put N in the sling sometimes, put her down to rest sometimes, played with C and read to him, went shopping, cooked risotto, taught class. I even got a shower. Somehow it just worked. I feel light in two ways, an absence of heaviness and also an absence of darkness. I have no explanation for it, although I do note that I finally settled down to pray with more sincerity than usual. My prayers last night came from a place of real need and real yearning for whatever it is that God is -- deliverance, freedom, peace, rest, and of course, enough hot water for a full shower. God is all of these things and of course so much more. I realize more and more that whether I admit it or not, I do depend on God for everything -- every last thing. And somehow he hears better -- or maybe I ask better -- when I know that I cannot get whatever it is myself. I find that I want that connection with God, that I-need-you link, not in an emotional way but in a real, physical, daily, economical way -- food, clothes, time, electricity, water, all of it. Am I making sense? Somehow having a newborn puts me on the edge of my own abilities so that I have to rely on God. And somehow this makes me both weaker and stronger at the same time. I think that St. Paul would have something to say about this but I have never been a Bible scholar so I can't quote the book or the verse. But he understood that whole idea of weakness making you stronger.
On a more practical note, N took a nap on her own today, for at least 30 minutes in her crib. I figured out a little ritual that seems to get her chilled out to the point that she will sleep on her own, so I will be trying it maybe once a day, maybe twice, and I think over time she will get used to it. I don't mind having her in the sling sometimes, or even most of the time, but I will not lie, it's nice to be just-me for a little while.
Thanks be to God for the little gifts of today.