A year or so after he was born my husband told me he thought it was an evolutionary thing, an easy out given to me by mother nature, since if he had been born in a cave instead of a scrubbed hospital with three different vending machines by the door of the maternity ward, it would have been "touch and go" with him -- that nature knew he was in danger and so gave me, as a kind mercy, a sort of space without even much air in it, a gap between myself and my love for him, so that motherly love was something I visited, in the same way I visited him in the ICU. Intensely, with great concern and anxiety and tenderness, but still in a temporary way, knowing I would be heading home later in the car.
Today I tried on purpose to relax into it, to carry on easy, flowing conversation and pay real attention to the wonderful person he is, and the result is mixed and unexpectedly painful, the same tearing-my-heart feeling I felt in his first few days. I am sure all parents feel this at times, but today it hit me, a backlog of tenderness, this love I have for him.
I have thought for as long as I have been thinking about it at all that perhaps I do not feel enough tenderness for him, or that he might feel me as a chilly and only vaguely affectionate person sometimes, when old memories try to crowd out the sunny baby days we have here in this messy house. But I realized tonight, as he sat up in bed, smiling into my eyes as he sang me his favorite song from preschool (Zippedee Doo Da, with arm motions!) that in fact my love is too much to think about, instead of too little. I let in little bits as I can, like a trickle from a garden hose slowly filling a water balloon stretched tight over the nozzle, and try to get used to having a heart so full it hurts.
Oh man, I know this feeling. It is how I approach Elliot most days. And yet, I have a different sort of love for Isaac, which is totally weird. Perhaps it is age or the things they are doing. But I get where you're coming from here.
ReplyDeleteah you made me cry. I know this disconnect. Mines pretty bad and it makes me doubt that I totally love Josie sometimes which is a horrible thing to type but I think it comes from the days I had to unplug because the pain got to be far more than I could handle; I had to distance myself from the pain, so I would stop crying constantly in public. The only way I could deal with the idea that I was possibly so suddenly going to lose my baby was creating that disconnect and I think perpetuating it for so many months where she too was touch and go so many times and could die without warning and how I had no control over the situation...
ReplyDeleteI think it messes with one's perception of love for her child, not that someone actually loves her child any less, but the emotions need time to cool and rewire... if that makes any sense? I do think time will help, even more so, I think the when you can let go of the hurt and feelings of the past, the more love will come in and erase that doubt.
I haven't figured out how to deal exactly with it -- so I do relish in the moments I can see its obvious I am a good mom and would do anything for my daughter -- that she cannot tell I am conflicted even though I feel like I'm so guilty anyone could see it. Thank you for being so honest bc it makes me feel less abnormal.