Friday, September 23, 2011


Ruminating a little on the idea that I am probably hypothyroid, and finding it harder today to explain away the little nagging symptoms that I have been trying to ignore for over a year now. I am a hooded-sweatshirt-wearing preteen with absentee parents, a can of spray paint, and a big blank wall.

Am I exhausted, after doing nothing but driving around for three hours?

HELL YES I AM / I paint on the wall

Do my leg muscles hurt like I have run a marathon, although all I have done is drive and unload stuff from the car?

INDEED YES THEY DO / I spray, the paint dripping down from the letters

Am I angry that no other doctor or health professional even tried to find a solution to my problems, instead telling me that I am just tired because I have children, and fat because I have children, and in pain because I have children?

YES, yes, yes...

Do I wish I could have known this years ago so I could have nursed my children, remembered more of their infancies rather than drowning in exhaustion, and kept a house that I could invite people into, rather than one just full of clutter all the time?

mm hmm, yes.

I am not just tired today but I am deeply tired as a state of being, just tired of being a copy of a copy of a copy of myself, resembling the original but without the spark of life.

Putting aside the blame for the way that I feel, taking it off myself and taking the words like "lazy, slow, fat" out of my vocabulary, I feel like it's not too late to recover most of what I lost.

And now I have to wait 1-2 weeks for bloodwork to find out exactly what is wrong, and what needs to be done about it.

But hooray to have something to wait for at all! :)

No comments:

Post a Comment