Monday, March 19, 2012

The Wall

Well, I am sad to report that I have hit "the wall" with my adrenal fatigue recovery, or to put it in different words, I feel like all of my recovery work has been for nothing.

Today I took the kids to the little mini-zoo we have here in Tallahassee to help them burn off some energy and to get us outside, because I was being really short-tempered with them and I thought it might be from being cooped up inside. So, off we went.

We had hardly been there any time at all when suddenly that old exhaustion panic hit me -- I haven't felt it this bad in so long -- and I had to drag the kids back to the car, kicking and screaming, and drive home feeling strange and sluggish and so, so, so tired.

I hate this kind of physical reaction because the kids don't know what's going on -- it's hard to explain to them that even though I have a sour look on my face and I can hardly say anything nice, it's not because they have done anything wrong, and I'm not even mad, I'm just so tired I can barely do anything. Chris got his feelings hurt because I had told him we could go back to the playground, and then I just had to drag everybody out of there after hardly doing anything at all.

Of course, I have lab orders in my purse but I have been putting off getting the lab work done because things have been throwing me off my game, like the layoff, Ben's ankle, my weird unpredictable fluctuating work hours, and I figured the numbers would come back bad from those things, so I wanted to wait until things leveled out again. But as I am learning, there is no such thing as level; as soon as one crisis passes, a new one appears instantly, and I feel like I don't even have time to go to the doctor, anyway.

A few things happened that might have caused this relapse -- first, I think the stress of the sudden layoff, the job applications, the adjusting of the work schedule, and all of the unexpected medical expenses right in that 45 day slump between starting new work and actually getting paid for it (that's right, 45 days! ugh!), followed by some new uncertainties related to contract work have all worked together to get me down a little bit.

Also, I gave blood a few months ago, which put me on my butt for a month, so I will not be doing that again any time soon, unfortunately. That one makes me sad because I used to give blood all the time and now apparently I can't do it anymore.

I have really been trying to compensate for all the stress with good nutrition and getting enough rest, but apparently whatever I'm doing isn't enough. It is always so hard that the times when you need rest and meditation and good nutrition are the times when these things are the hardest to come by.

Now I am trying to ponder whether I should try to get the lab work done somehow and get into the doctor, although the thought of one more doctor visit or trip to a pharmacy makes me want to puke, try to take better care of myself this week and see if I can get myself out of the funk on my own (this option doesn't look as good, as this is what I have been doing for a month already now), and/or cancel the gym membership because I can't even go to the zoo without collapsing in exhaustion. :P It is getting harder to resist the urge to use caffeine again, as I still have work deadlines and life requirements even though I have no energy to meet them. I know that caffeine will only make it worse in the long run, but those first few days would be really nice.

I am mad because I have worked so hard to get well, and now some life situations that I have zero control over have stolen it all away again. I am trying to keep from backsliding into that sludgy helpless fat feeling I was stuck in for Norah's first year. Now that we are coming up on her second birthday, I had hoped to be farther along, but instead I feel I am right back where I started.

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